To Know Thyself is to Love Thyself

self-awareness as a gateway to healthy relationships

Seen & Heard by Adoyo
5 min readOct 30, 2023
Photo by Darius Bashar on Unsplash

I am the first person to advise you to take my opinions with a grain of salt when it comes to how to navigate a long-term relationship. Why? Well, because the longest relationship I’ve been in was like 2/2.5 years. So, I can give general counsel based on what I have seen and read, and that’s about it.

I don’t know what it’s like to be committed to the same person for years and years and the challenges that come with that. And I think that does matter, you know. The perspective that can only be gotten from having experience in something. Now, I know some people will want to claim that I might be a commitment-phobe. Far from it. I just believe marriage is a serious-enough step that needs to be seriously considered.

I also do not think you need more than 2 years to know if the person you’re dating is someone you can see yourself building a life with or not. Because, if we are to be honest, all you need to be clear about are your non-negotiables, your values, and boundaries. You can build a good life with anyone you have a solid foundation with.

The trick is self-awareness. Knowing what you actually want and need in a partner. Knowing your weaknesses and strengths and traumas and blind spots. You’ve got to know you very well, to be able to know who can match your vibe. But most of us don’t take the time to actually get intimate with ourselves. So, we end up pursuing what we have seen from those around us or in the media and decide to build on that. And then we get very surprised when it doesn’t work for us.

And then, because ego finds it hard to accept that it calculated wrongly, to protect itself, it just doubles-down on what is now the wrong turn, because admitting it was wrong is the worst thing for ego. So, you end up staying in a situation that is meh because of time served. Darling, the only place that time-served actually counts is if you are in prison. Out here, everything can be ended whenever and better choices be made.

Now, if you’re married, you may want to figure out if the two of you, with the awareness you now have, can make things work. If you can meet each other in a new way and rebuild anew. Yup, cos I do believe in the institution of marriage and what I have seen divorce do to most people, you kinda want to be sure there’s no other way but divorce. It ain’t pretty.

If, however, you have not crossed the “I Do” threshold, then you have every right to change your mind and choose different. But just breaking something off because you think the grass is greener on the other side or simply because you’re not getting your way is also not very responsible. Why? You’ll probably end up in a similar situation just with different people. Same script different cast.

That’s why the main advice I can give in as far as giving yourself a chance to a healthy and fruitful relationship is “Know thyself!”

Whatever that “self” is, you figuring that out is the best strategy for you and your partner. And just start by acknowledging that you are flawed and imperfect. So, don’t get too shocked by the things you uncover about yourself. I say this because I think most of us are afraid of what they will find out about themselves when they take a deep look inside. Because once you know, you can’t “un-know.” And that means, you can no longer hide behind the ignorance curtain and you will have to be accountable.

So, maybe what you’re really running away from is accountability. However, I promise, with that accountability and responsibility comes freedom that will allow you to pursue a more abundant life. When you know who you are and accept him/her, you are no longer quick to abandon yourself to please others. And, you end up sifting through the chaff and finding your kind of people. The place where you belong; all of you. And, don’t you want to be with someone who is good with who you are?

One of my brother’s claims I am the most hopelessly romantic person he knows. So, yeah, I believe in love and I love, love. I am always rooting for love. I also know when I say love, I mean the healthy kind of love. I mean the love where you feel seen, heard, safe, protected, covered, cared for, considered. I mean love that pours into you and builds you up and is peaceful. Listen, I don’t think anything should be more important than peace of mind. I know some of us think they thrive best in chaos, but hunnay, that’s not what you were created for. Abundant life does not equal chaos. I digress. But you get the point. Healthy, wholesome love is the love I am hopeful for and desire.

You do not get there by being passive and nonchalant. You’ve got to, at the very least, know who you are. Know what you want and don’t want. Know what you can handle and what no one can pay you to deal with. You need to be OK with all of who you are and not compare yourself with someone else and what their capacity is. Just stay focused on you. Because then, you will be able to quickly tell who you can and can not vibe with. It will not need to take you 10 years to know. Cos you know you and what works for you.

When you know you, it’s easy to be honest about the things that matter to you. And I think if we started most relationships from a place of knowing and honesty, we would have much less heartbreaks which would lead to less traumas and instead, have more healthy and long-lasting relationships.

But then again, what do I know?

with love & humility & curiosity,

xo,

moulding beauty.

P.S. I came across this podcast and found it quite fitting about how self-awareness and healthy relationships go hand in hand. Give it a listen, won’t you?

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Seen & Heard by Adoyo

Storyteller exploring human connection & identity, writing to make people feel seen, understood, and enough through personal essays, profiles & themed stories.