Don’t Let Them Change You
Just because one or two or 10 people were douche bags doesn’t mean all humans are.
I remember the first guy I allowed myself to love. Let’s call him Tim.
Tim was first one of my best friends so falling for him almost feels natural. Are we not told to marry our best friends?
We dated for 6 months, I think. That’s until a mutual friend, who did not know we were dating, drops what felt like a bomb at the moment.
“Tim is back with his ex!”
Wait, what? I was so confused.
So many thoughts went through my mind.
I just took a moment to breathe.
The mutual friend who had dropped the bomb asked if I was OK.
“I’m good, thanks. Just feeling a bit nauseated, but I’m sure it’s nothing.”
After calming down, I sent Tim a text.
“What’s this about you and your ex getting back together?”
I cannot remember if he responded.
We had a volunteer gig we were both a part of so I knew I was going to see him the next day.
Yeah, I wanted a face-to-face explanation.
“I’m so sorry. She called and wanted to talk. You know we’ve been together for such a long time. I wanted to give it another try.”
I’m not dramatic but I am a control freak and at that time, I was a perfectionist. People-pleasing was very high on my “how to be an acceptable person” list.
“You didn’t think you owed me a conversation before just jumping back to the opportunity to get back together? Oh, wait, was I just a placeholder, keeping things warm, while you were still pining after her all this time?”
He tried to explain that it was all complicated and something else I did not hear.
“You were my best friend. Did that not even count for anything?”
He just sunk into his seat, looking down at his palms, as if the answers I was looking for were written there.
Or maybe they were? That would be hilarious!
Anyways, I told him I did not want to see or talk to him for a while.
Yes, we would see each other at the gig we volunteered at. I know how to be a professional. But I was going to need some space for a while.
“Oh, and all the best, this time around with your soulmate.”
I loved this man. I truly did.
His betrayal hurt, like a whole lot.
However, I loved the feeling of being in a relationship with someone I loved. Love is a beautiful thing, right?
Love by itself, without the stains we as humans place on it.
It’s warm and cute and joyful and lovely.
I wanted to experience love again.
I wanted to love someone else again. To care for another like myself if not more.
I refused to allow this one experience to rob me of the possibility of feeling that feeling again.
Love didn’t hurt me. Love didn’t deceive me.
Tim did. His choices and actions hurt me. Not love.
So, I refused to give him the power to decide how I was going to experience relationships going forward because he messed up.
No, sir! That’s not how we do it here.
Yes, I have gone on to have other beautiful relationships and I always, always have my heart open to love.
So, what brought about this walk down memory lane?
I had a conversation with a friend and he mentioned that he hates he’s allowed other people to change him.
The fact that his past relationships have him so apprehensive about certain things. The ghosts of girlfriends past still lingering and haunting him.
Now, I get it. I totally understand that once bitten, often leads to twice shy.
I, however, would like to offer that the twice shy should definitely make you a little more discerning and careful. You should not let it change you as a person.
That’s giving away too much of your power, don’t you think?
And, and, that was one person. It was the person who hurt or disappointed you, not the entire human race.
So, don’t bleed on those who didn’t cut you and get a band aid for the cut caused by someone else and let it heal. Then keep it going.
I am not saying heart breaks are easy. I am suggesting that you should not allow bad experiences to keep you from present and future great experiences.
What say you?
xoxo,
adoyo’s musings
p.s. Tim and his ex ended up breaking up again and this time round, the ex ended up marrying someone else. That’s all I’m going to say about that.
